Just when you think you have it figured out... you don't!! [1]

Love Lives in the Clouds- By Stasha Beloved

I have spent many years ...

many lifetimes with this inner feeling of numbness

a dull pain and sadness... that i could never put my finger on.

so i did everything i possibly could to fill this gap...

i tried fame, fortune, materialism, drugs, money and power...

none of these worked.

i tried religion, education, philospohy, medicine, science...

the more i "educated' myself... the more confused i became.

i tried mothering as an occupation... which ended in smothering...

only pushing away that love i wanted my children to feel, by trying too hard

i tried to fill this empty space with love... that did not seem to work either.

no matter how hard i loved,,, the harder my heart broke inside.

i lost myself along the way.

searching for others to fulfill this need... this emptiness, this greed.

holding too tightly to love, because you fear it will never return...

this will not work

it cannot work

sometimes i feel guilty for every single pain humanity has suffered

other times, i feel as though i was tricked... trapped into this 3D box... reality?

i weep and weep and cry myself to sleep

become the life of the party... the social butterfly to extremes

then a hermit, caged in, heart on lockdown (they can't see me)

somehow i feel i have come full circle, trapped yet again...

this emptiness will not fade away...

no matter how many others i may heal

i cannot hide from love

it is time to love myself

it is time to know that i am worthy of this

to know this is not selfish... but natural

for all i know ... i dont know anything at all.

except that I AM LOVE

p.s. afterthought... i recorded this song about a week ago & really did not know who it was that i was singing to, why it was so sad and so dark... i sound as though i am underwater... indeed. now i know who it was for... MY HEART

http://soundcloud.com/iamstasha/die-without-you-pm-dawn-cover [2]

NOW THAT I HAVE GOTTEN THIS OFF MY CHEST, AND INTO A SONG.

I REALIZE HOW SAD IT SOUNDS...

TIME TO MAKE HAPPY MUSIC...

TIME TO MAKE HEALING SOUNDS..

I AM SO HUMBLED AND GREATFUL AND BLESSED TO HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE, AND THESE AMAZING SOULS, FRIENDS, FAMILY IN MY LIFE.

THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ENTERED INTO MY LIFE RECENTLY, HAVE ENTERED MY HEART COMPLETELY. WHEN I FORGET I AM STRONG, YOU REMIND ME.

YOU GIVE ME COURAGE WHEN I AM WEAK AND AFRAID

YOU SHOW ME THAT TRUE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP DO RESIDE ON/IN EARTH.

I AM SO PROUD AND BLESSED, MY HEART WEEPS AGAIN... BUT THIS TIME IT IS DIFFERENT. THIS TIME, IT IS A DEEP KNOWING...

A FEELING.

INTUITION

I KNOW THAT MOST OF YOU HATE WHEN I SAY THIS, BUT THANK YOU.

SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED A LITTLE BACK UP...

JUST IN CASE

;)

i want you to know it is for all of you. while it may appear to some to be someone who is in pain and sadness, not a light to share with the world... you see what the effect creates in the end

the release of all that does not serve. the resonance of truth that cannot be faked, denied or coherced. i feel as though layers and layers are anchoring themselves in me and i can feel my light cord for the first time.

wow,how your belly booms when yo let it breathe

i feel this energy is going to effect me very heavily , its already swelling to the surface slowly... welling up... its gonna be a big release, just an fyi ;)

I love you all, and know that i am and WILL get through this

everyone...

eve

one.