I am not a buddha... [1]

Please disregard almost everything I have written in the past. My intentions were good, but I have no choice but to accept the fact that i succumbed to a sort of temporary insanity brought about by my bipolar disorder. (These are just words.) I still don't feel so great. I am back to not knowing what to believe, and still living with the aching necessity that I NEED TO KNOW what my place is in the Universe. I'd still like to think I"m special, and of course I am, in some ways, but the fear of Death is as real as it ever has been. I want to live forever; anything less would be, I feel, unfair. I'd at least like a reasonable explanation of Life, so I can stop worrying and enjoy what I have left of it. I don't think that is asking a lot, but of course, I may be wrong, as I am sure I have been wrong in the past about many other things...I feel as if I have been channeling the spirits of the dead as well as those of some living. Half of all my money for the month went to charity, the other half was spent on books I have no patience to read, but felt important to buy, as if I had written them in a previous life, or at least knew the authors in some personal way. I will explain it as the result of mania (these are just words, but I need to use words). The mania is gone, and I am left with my original depression. Whatever Faith I had in things is gone as well, or is greatly reduced and flickers like a flame. I've written enough for now, I just wanted to make a new entry after calling myself a buddha and pretending I understood everything. That was just plain silly...isn't it? Have a good day, and a good night as well.