Releasing an Unfulfilled Past

33Nicolas's picture

Grieving is a strange thing. Perhaps we have been taught to wipe our tears and move on from an early age. Or maybe that it is not that important. It could also be that we have very well-meaning people in our lives telling us to only focus on the positives and turn away from the negative. But without acknowledging the negative and drawing lessons from it, we risk not understanding teachable moments.

I am walking away from a strange 13 years of trying hard to break through journalism. I am not the greatest writer nor have I been taught to write. I enjoy sharing and communicating. Success was always elusive, frustratingly so. I was recognized within my industries but never outside. My wife would get public recognition for her amazing work. It is noble, but so is mine. I did not get that public recognition. I guess I wanted, after all, hiding under false modesty. Instead, I had to deal with trolls, those nasty people who hide behind the anonymity of their keyboard never revealing their faces or real names. They take cheap personal shots at you, the messenger. It was brutal, painful, and frustrating.

Eventually, after 13 years of dubious work, making little to no money and the constant humiliation of not being financially independent, California AB5 and COVID-19 stopped dead in its track that career. No more publishers save for one. Although my favorite, it is the one that pays the least. POtentials came knocking at my door, tantalizing me with eventualities that never materialized. I was flown all over the world from China to Croatia, most of Europe, and, of course, the US. I was flown business class to land a day in Beijing, off to Taiwan the next, southwest China the following day, Korea after, and Los Angeles in five days.

Along the way, I met incredible people. I also met people who would change my life completely. I just was not ready nor saw what needed to happen. I believed what I had been told. If you work hard enough, you will succeed. Perhaps, but sometimes, you knock on the wrong door.

Last year as I went to the Guangzhou Auto Show I saw the Tea World Expo was also next to the Auto Show. I spend two days after hours mesmerized at the millions of International teas there are. I am a big fan of tea. I love it. It is my first thought of the day and a reoccurring one throughout. There I met who would become my tea master. He introduced me to the world of Pu-Erh for four and a half hours. I already like Pu-Erh a lot. I just did not know how much nor of its diversity. Jokingly I said I would love to help him introduce Pu-Erh to the West. Hey, I am a people pleaser. But over the past year and with some of the best Pu-Erhs you can find in China, the idea germinated from a seed thrown in fertile soil. It bloomed this summer amid the pandemic with nothing happening but hopes. It flourished in September when I asked a handful of friends if they would be interested in getting tea from China. I got the domain and now even my wife is on board.

I thought I was my last life and was quick to pirouette, but no such luck. Even though the world is my oyster now, I realize there is a complex layer of feelings I am not accessing. I am frustrated with not having had more success than I did and the public attention I wished I had had. It might sound selfish but it would have been nice. After all, I was communicating about electric vehicles that would save us from petroleum companies and their devastating effects on our environment. No such luck.

As I am drawing a Tarot to get an idea as to why I am slow to act on what I should be doing today, the first card spoke about a recent loss and setback which is poorly understood.

And here I am today conveying that which lays heavily on my heart without fully understanding it in the place I like most, Sound Of Heart.