by John McIntosh
Like most spiritual seekers I had a very stormy childhood. For me this manifested largely as a feeling of being ‘unseen’ and ‘worthless’. This led to an unconscious need to be ‘perfect’ before speaking or acting. I took piano lessons and remember that if I made a mistake when playing a homework piece for my teacher I would go right back to the beginning. This same behaviour repeated itself in many ways as I grew into adulthood.Like most dysfunctional behaviour this tendency grew many arms and legs … the most prevalent of them was the need to ‘control’ everything. When I was unable to control a given situation I would become angry even to the point of being tyrannical … something I had seen my father as and swore I would never become. When the heat of this reaction cooled and I found that I still could not control a given situation I would become depressed and withdrawn.
It’s interesting to note that I was more aware of these patterns ‘before’ I began my spiritual search then afterward. In fact, only recently in the last five years of authentic ‘Self Discovery’ have I seen how deeply buried my need to control really was. Control is a lack of Trust … Trust that ‘all is well’ … in the end, Trust in God [by whatever name].
I began my spiritual quest in 1976 and devoured everything I could get my hands on about the subject … so much so that I developed a spiritual ‘pride’ that I ‘knew’ the Truth. It was not possible to maintain this mask while being aware that inherently I did not Trust the Universal Essence … that I needed to orchestrate my life in secret. As a result my need to control became a subtle and largely invisible companion … at least to me.
One of the many masks control takes is arrogance, which I also failed to notice despite being frequently told this by my family and a few others. I had a wealth of ‘facts’ about spiritual things and had also become wealthy in the material world. As a result I interpreted these critical observations as ’sour grapes’. I had it all it seemed and those that did not, just couldn’t handle the truth … as I saw it.
It took 23 years after my search began to realize something was definitely wrong. I was not ‘feeling’ the Peace and Freedom that was supposed to come with Spiritual Awareness … and in my case material freedom as well.
Here is where many seekers hesitate
When this ‘Call to return Home’ finally arrives many seekers hesitate and ‘settle’ for less than IT ALL. Mooji refers to this as
‘trading the universe for a peanut’
The call can come as a near death experience, a life threatening illness, a profound loss of some sort, be it financial, family or some form of ‘relied on’ security ... or other profound challenges. In my case it was simply the deep seated realization that I had it all and was miserable.
So I made a decision to be FREE for Real – NO MATTER WHAT that meant. I took the drastic step and left everything behind … money, power, fame, family, security … everything. In truth I did not consciously know that I had made this decision at the time … I thought I was simply shifting my attention more toward Truth but my Real Self had arranged things to totally fall apart so that I could receive the ultimate ‘gift’ of being brought to my knees in every way … to ‘break the spell’ if you like of my false sense of self.
It was horrible … an absolute nightmare for the next 9 years … then it got worse!
I remember walking down a long stretch of highway on a pitch black night with literally the shirt on my back left of all I had had feeling like the walking dead. Sometime that night I surrendered at a deeper level than I had 9 years before. Three months later, living back with my geriatric parents [the last place I thought I would ever be again but, as it turned out, the best place for me in that state of consciousness] … I met a fully enlightened soul. Seven months after that I moved across the planet to live with her.
It was the ‘all or nothing’ decision we must all make if we Truly wish to be FREE for Real.
I thought I was moving to heaven and I was right but did not know that I still carried with me my own living hell. For the enlightened, living with one who still carries the baggage of self deception, disguised as spiritual awareness, the pain of this heavy vibration is unendurable. It is not possible for them to remain in that frequency for any length of time … they must withdraw or cast out the offending darkness … which is what happened.
I found myself in a revolving door for the next 4+ years while layer after of layer of self deception revealed itself to me and, after being embraced, transformed back into love. I say ‘embraced and transformed’ because God or All That Is or One – has nowhere to go. As a result, it can only ‘Shift’ in one’s awareness from an illusion to the Truth. It’s ALL God.
This was really tough for me to accept … that there was nothing but God and I, along with everything/one else was God as well – no matter how dark or unaware of this they were.
This Awakening as I have said took over 4 years of the deepest experience of hell I had experienced so far. Again as Mooji says:
‘Its standing in the fire of Self Discovery.
This fire will not burn you it will only burn what you are not!’
In my earlier life experience I would not have stood in the fire but somewhere along the way I had made this NO MATTER WHAT choice [in retrospect, I realized this choice was unconscious for a long time]. I could not run from this enlightened mirror as I also saw my True Self in her. As it turned out she was and IS what is referred to as my Twin Flame [One Soul in 2 bodies].
I could not run from myself as I had done so many times before when the heat got too high … I had to remain in the fire. I had to 'come clean with everything' I was NOT. If you read anything genuine about Twin Flames you will find that this IS the most difficult stage of Awakening/Enlightenment … and, as it turns out … the most beautiful when you finally make it through the storm.
You may find yourself in these incredibly turbulent days of transformation in what seems to be the most chaotic, challenging, fearful and sorrow-filled period of your search for Freedom. I can only encourage you that it is the gift of all gifts to be in this fire no matter how many well meaning friends and family would have you believe you are a victim to be soothed and lifted out of it.
Thank them for their concern but remain in the fire … you have the unseen help you require to make it through the storm. Never before has the ‘opportunity’ to become Aware of All You Are, been more accessible and ‘yes’ simple’ … not necessarily easy because as you already know, the false self will resist waking up from the dream of separation from Oneness.
But take hope in the fact that others ‘have’ made it through the storm and right this moment many more are in that storm. The truth also is that everyone who makes this choice and remains in the fire and makes it through the storm makes it easier and easier for others to follow.
The austere way of the ancients is no longer required … they did what they did not just to have their own Freedom but to make it easier for those who would follow.
Simply accepting that God [or whatever name feels right for you] is ONE and that there is no other so you and everything else has to also be IT … is enough. The difference is simply a matter of how conscious you are of this single Truth.
When you accept this … I AM That I AM [is a good way to do this] … the Truth of it EXPANDS like anything else you give your attention to, and IT takes you into your own unique experiences [fires] that will transform your particular illusions into Truth.
If you stay with it – stay in the fire of this Self Discovery - you ‘will’ come through the storm much faster than the ancients did, much faster than I and other recent contemporaries did and find yourself living FREE –
‘In the world but not ‘of’ the world’
