A DREAM, A JELLYFISH AND THE WEIGHT OF A BROKEN HEART
August 19, 2012 by karen chrappa
I awake from a dream…
I am climbing a broken ladder, the hook and ladder kind found on a firetruck. It swings precariously from a second story doorway as I try to reach home. Each of my hands clutch something in their fist leaving me unable to hold on for safety, a tenuous mid-air balancing act as I try to keep from falling off. Below me, rising up from the ground, is the bottom half of the ladder that has disconnected from the top. A disoriented drunk man is trying to climb up. All I know is I want to get away from him.
My heart has been broken. My most beloved slipped from my life to the arms of another lover. To behold his love and devotion committed to another woman breaks my heart in two, the broken hook and ladder kind. This is not the first time my heart has been broken. This broken ladder started long, long ago, before this lifetime I am sure. (I will spare you my friends the ramblings of any past life musings.)
Longing for the attention of a father lost in a bottle of booze is where the ladder first broke. With no safe ground beneath me, my heart clutched to fear, tenuously stuck between wanting to get home and wanting to run away. My innermost heart shaped itself from this first broken heart. Attracting deeply wounded men that I could not count on was a mirror of the broken ladder of my own heart.
The dream of this broken ladder is the longing for its repair. It cries out through personal dreamtime. It is intimately linked to a collective slumber so a bridge may be built between masculine and feminine. Healing our personal wounds is what shifts the collective. The desire for my heart to entwine in unity is the desire of the heart of humanity. Healing the collective starts by holding my heart with deep honor and respect. The feminine longs for relationship. Her healing comes through connection. The gaze of the wounded masculine avoids the glare of the wounded feminine with her need to be loved. With a chasm as wide as any canyon how can a bridge ever be crossed?
I journey to the waters for the healing of my heart…
As I dive below the waters in which I am held I call forth from my heart a Spirit ally. One who will guide me underwater to the healing of my heart. A jellyfish appears. Its tentacles wrap themselves around my heart. The charge of electrical impulses surge through me like a defibrillator shocking a heart in cardiac arrest. An electric current is restoring flow where my heart has lost life force. Currents of trust flow through my heart. More shocks come through pulsing in love. Other waves recharge my heart with gratitude. Masculine and feminine timidly turn towards each other in a long awaited reunion. The impassible bridge has been crossed on waves of trust, love and gratitude. A prayer of tears wash me clean with compassion.
An unexpected ally from the world of Spirit. I confess I am not usually fond of swimming with jellyfish. On retreat in Bimini last month jellyfish filled the underwater alcoves we explored. I was struck, for the first time, by the beauty of their transparency in a nearly invisible form. Their utter abandon to flow and fluidity.
The jellyfish of all things knows how to repair this broken ladder. It appears as a teacher of the pure of heart. The purest of heart does not cling to hurts or betrayals. The purest of heart flows on the waves of trust. This ally of Spirit knows how to cross an insurmountable bridge to wholeness. Transforming the broken and lifeless space in my heart to one of union and love with a direct infusion from the lifeline of Spirit. A healing that reaches through time. Restoring a bridge to a lineage of male ancestors no longer connected through our brokenness. A vision for the future no longer created by dragging around the weight of a broken heart.
At any moment the shifting tides of life unveil what is ready to be healed so we may rise to the majesty of who we were born to be. It may float through in dreams. It may reflect in the mirror of your beloved. Its roots may lie in the family of origin. Whatever the source we can choose to look away or look within.
Let the tides of life wash clean your heart. May you travel to new shores on the waves of trust, the waves of love, the waves of gratitude in a co-creative dance with the world of Spirit who deeply longs to dance with us.
I share with you these dance steps for they are not my own. They are for every heart to remember who we are. So we may wake from the collective slumber and dream a new world into being.
One that begins with a heart beating in trust.
A heart beating in gratitude.
A heart beating in love.
AHO my friends! AHO!