Riding The Waves

 

I stop and wonder, pause long enough to feel my heart beat and realize that I am human.  An energy flows through me that I do not recognize sometimes. It is as if “it” is doing it’s own thing and “I” am doing mine.  Such a separation.  I have been caught up in my mind lately and because I have spent longer than usual camping out up there, I seem to have lost my spark, the energy that I was getting so familiar with and I miss it.  That spark allowed me to open myself up to possibilities, opportunities that had a creative flow to them.  What happened?  Who stuffed me in a body bag and dragged me back into my head?  All my old acquaintances were still there waiting for me to show up as if they knew that I’d be back.  There was Judgement, Limited Beliefs and Self Criticism all lined up on a bench and asking me, “Where have you been?  We thought we lost you?”  And I thought that I had lost them too.  Once the door opened and I felt my flight of freedom from them, I never thought that I would find myself back in the company of these old, crusty characters.  So what happened?  Is it just such a slippery slope that no matter how many times you’ve dug yourself out of the depths of judgement that you are just one negative thought away from burying yourself again?  I try and retrace my footsteps and see where it was that I started thinking with my head instead of allowing life to flow through my heart.  I think that sometimes we equate being “smart” with knowing “things” and lately, the more things that I started to learn, the more dead I felt inside.  When I finally stopped and questioned my uneasiness, it was easy for me to see the trail of bread crumbs that had been left along the way, adding up to one big loaf of day old bread.  By this I mean that if one is looking for information or if you really want to study and dissect a subject matter, there are a number of ways and tons of information ready and waiting for you to unearth.  Depending upon the reader’s bent or the writer’s proclivity, you can end up with either a well rounded point of view or a slightly skewed conclusion of your subject matter.  I started down a road of curiosity, probing the cracks and crevices of our origins, lineage, conspiracies, Illuminati, etc., etc.  You get the idea.  As someone who is very aware of any and all possibilities, I took a good deal of it in and intellectually overloaded. The sentient side of me went into hiding.  I feel that in and of itself, the subjects that I chose to explore are not “negative” when viewed with a higher understanding, but somehow I allowed myself to delve into the drama ... and that’s not my nature.  I think that it’s always good to give yourself the breadth and width of exploration but only to the extent that the exploration doesn’t trash the spirit inside of you .. at least that is my invisible line in the sand, so to speak.  Somewhere along the way I crossed it and started to feel separate from my true nature.  Life lost it’s glow.  I became weary of people, sensing the hopelessness of situations, which if you choose to tune into such beliefs, you will find yourself seeing despondency wherever you look.  The matrix I was exploring was subtle and insidious.  This adventure into gathering “facts” was the catalyst that sent me on a brief journey away from my true being and into a world of upheaval ... not that there’s anything wrong with upheaval.  I’ve had some of my most enlightening moments while being tossed in the air!  But this time it was different.  It was as if I was steering my ship through the straights and narrows but momentarily became distracted, took my hands off the wheel and watched as waves of doubt came crashing upon me, taking me off course and into choppy waters.  It’s not a matter of being out of control but rather a matter of being out of heart.  The world can be very seductive and salacious at this time, a lot of ideas vying for your attention and anyone can get off course ... anyone, no matter how “enlightened” we feel ourselves to be.  Now more than ever I can see how we create timelines and how they spin off into immediate manifestations of experience.  I was not in harmony with the resonance that I felt when I lived from my head and quickly enough left that space and moved into a more compatible vibration.  Whew!  So now I can see again.  The grass outside has become a bit greener, the sky a little more blue.  My heart feels full again and I have my gratitude back.  Question is; can I hold this vibration or is there another giant wave out there on the horizon with my name on it?  Who knows.  Maybe the next time it will be more of a subtle swell ... or two, or three.