TURTLE MIRROR

By William DeVore

 While walking in the woods today I came upon a turtle. Completely still, right in front of me it stood, legs and neck extended as if looking for something. I thought this peculiar and as I too stood still, felt as if we might be connected in some way.

As I look back on my life, I realize I've never been able to see much ahead most of the time, and consequently have never had a good sense of where I was going. At the same time I never felt comfortable where I found myself and was driven to seek; a peculiar combination and one that brought little sense of peace for most of my life.

When I was young, I most always felt inferior -- felt rather lowly -- and never stood up quite as high as everyone else in my estimation, though I was tall in stature. Socially everyone else seemed much faster, moving easily along on his or her seemingly clear paths through life. I always felt different and ashamed -- not good enough -- and never felt like I fit. As I grew into adulthood, I did become somewhat more comfortable with life having fashioned a protective shell of social sophistication that kept my enduring secret safely hidden.

About the time of my fortieth birthday I entered a time of spiritual crisis that eventually resulted in my beginning to put the experiences of my past together, somewhat like a jig saw puzzle. Holding each experience -- each piece -- in my heart has brought some pain which I've been releasing little by little over the years. With each fallen tear, the sense of inadequacy has lessened and I don't feel jealous of others as much anymore. I still don't feel like I fit in this world but have gotten rather used to it, seeing this as part of my path. I'm not very driven any more either although I'm still seeking -- enjoying the journey more these days and less concerned with arriving. My pace is still pretty slow to some -- I guess that's just me.

I still put my head way up occasionally, hoping to see a little farther down the road. I don't know exactly where I'm going but do see that I'm going home. I know that eventually I'll be happy wherever I may be.

I was walking through the woods today and came upon a turtle -- and found me.