I have spent many years ...
many lifetimes with this inner feeling of numbness
a dull pain and sadness... that i could never put my finger on.
so i did everything i possibly could to fill this gap...
i tried fame, fortune, materialism, drugs, money and power...
none of these worked.
i tried religion, education, philospohy, medicine, science...
the more i "educated' myself... the more confused i became.
i tried mothering as an occupation... which ended in smothering...
only pushing away that love i wanted my children to feel, by trying too hard
i tried to fill this empty space with love... that did not seem to work either.
no matter how hard i loved,,, the harder my heart broke inside.
i lost myself along the way.
searching for others to fulfill this need... this emptiness, this greed.
holding too tightly to love, because you fear it will never return...
this will not work
it cannot work
sometimes i feel guilty for every single pain humanity has suffered
other times, i feel as though i was tricked... trapped into this 3D box... reality?