By Jennifer on August 21, 2013
Dear Jennifer: I have been very supportive of someone in my life who has an addiction. I care for him and have compassion for his journey. He asks to be loved unconditionally and I’ve attempted to do that and be supportive of him however it does take its toll on me. I have difficulty with the balance of recognizing that he is a grand creator on an incredible journey (as we all are) and my compassion for the human being that suffers when he is homeless, hungry, alone, and contemplating ending his life which of course is the result of his own choices and creation.
I know that my own boundary issues are definitely at play here but I can’t get clarity on the issue. What can I do to show him I am supportive without getting so involved in his stuff?
Jennifer’s Answer: This ties into this week’s message so clearly, are you being kind or are you feeling sorry for him? Do you see him as powerless (and he is acting as though he doesn’t have any power) and out of control of his life? While you say you have compassion, the lines are blurry here. You’re expressing your compassion as pity, disguised as kindness and support. And it is a boundary issue but not necessarily with him. He’s showing you your own need for support and validation and to have someone care enough about you to rescue you.
While he asks to be loved unconditionally, what are you asking for? He has chosen this life for himself and this is how powerful he sees himself. You can’t change that but you can change what you want for yourself in your life. Stop feeling sorry for him and seeing him as a victim. Who are you trying to rescue, him or you? Who did not rescue you in your times of need, because that’s why you are so committed to ensuring that he knows what it is to have someone be a stand for him.
Your desire to support him, to be a source of validation and to recognize his need is your projection. He’s mirroring your needs back to you. When did someone not support you, was not there for you and at times when you were sabotaging your life, as he is doing in his life, who came to your rescue? While you are trying to help him, you’re giving him help in the form he can’t accept right now. If he could, he would change his life but he is not ready to do that. He is so involved in his pain that no matter what you do, he is going to continue down this path.
The best kind of compassion you can show him is to be in your own space of joy and empowerment. Let him see what empowered living is like and stop supporting his addiction because until he changes, that’s all you are doing is acknowledging his powerlessness over his addiction. He isn’t powerless, he just isn’t ready to live his life without his addiction. Something has to replace the feelings he gets from being addicted and he hasn’t found that yet.
You’re projecting onto him and that’s fine, but it does nothing for you. Take a step back, let him make his own choices and honor them by creating strong boundaries for yourself. Then you can attract someone to you who can give unconditional love to you in return for your desire to extend unconditional love and support.
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