By Oh sweet souls! It has been a minute or two since I have written anything in my blog. Truth be told I am writing A LOT these days. I started freelance writing for a website that shares information and articles on log houses, tiny houses, sustainable living, off grid living, gardening, extraterrestrials, spirituality, health and wellness, recipes and more. The website is called Wikidee and I absolutely LOVE my job with them on this team. It pays very well, and I keep getting promoted, and they have even called me their best writer! I am constantly amazed and so grateful for this opportunity to get paid working doing something I love, working from home! Which has always been a goal of mine.
These past few years have just been wild wild wild, wonderful... and wild! Living out on Vancouver Island was a beautiful experience that both Steve and I loved so much, it is truly a magical place, but with that magic comes other energies.
Being on an island, surrounded by water, can really magnify emotions, as this is what the water element embodies, it is the goddess, the watery, emotional energy... So suffice it to say, I personally, had emotions to work through and process, as it is a part of the whole process of awakening and being a whole multidimensional being.
Just when you think you have peeled all of the layers of the onion, oh boy! - there is another layer to peel! It is a very deep process of knowing myself on all levels, to know my self so I can come to understand others in a deep way.
As an is land can be is olating, it can in spire deep in trospection, here we can clearly see that the only way IS IN. I had been working so hard on building my business, and working on what things looked like on the outside that I was just forging forward...
Ever since embarking on this deep path of awakening, and healing, and integrating all the layers of my self and soul, things are not super easy all the time, in that it is not the easy path to take. Exciting, rewarding and a deeply profound and rich experience, yes, but easy? Not all of the time. But that is a part of living a whole life, that is connected with all aspects of self. My soul didn't come here for easy, I came in to be a catalyst for change in the world, to bring back the energy of the Goddess. Like the layers of the onion we all have, once you embark on a journey of embracing more light and more divinity, you realize that you have to clear out what you won't be bringing with you for the rest of the journey.
Facing our Darkness
This is an important part of the journey that sometimes can be forgotten about, or, because it is a difficult part of the path, we just want to jump over top of it, and get to the good stuff of living in love and light, bliss and rainbows. The thing is, if it isn't sorted through and dealt with and treated as part of the process, it will constantly be triggered within us until it is full realized and felt through, processed, forgiven and then released. We have emotional stuff to sort through it, just like when you are giving away clothes or house hold items, you don't just dump it all in a bag without thinking about it, you sort through your things one at a time, feeling each out and consciously thinking through it.
So it is with our unprocessed emotions and traumas. But mostly people feel like it is too scary to go there... back to where these emotional fragments are. Otherwise all of these fragmented parts of us show up in our physical, mental and emotional aspects of our being, and we project them onto others, or harm ourselves, usually subconsciously. So until those fragments are balanced, by bringing them up for processing, we still have all of these torn aspects of ourselves, fragments of unprocessed emotions, traumas, and issues that are coming along for the ride with us.
When doing purification.sweat lodges, we all say one thing we want to give away, they are called giveaways, and we release this to Great Spirit and Mother Earth to transmute. This is such a beautiful process of bringing things up to be released. Also, I have learned that when you heal your own wounds, you heal seven generations before you, and seven generations in front of you, which has always given me more purpose to what I am healing within myself and my own relations.
So let's rewind to when we are in the spirit realm, we are just souls before coming into the world, we choose who our family will be. We look on Earth and choose which mother and father to incarnate into for various reasons that will aid us in our journey in this lifetime. Just as each soul is different, each reason is different. There are the general reasons though too, to heal and forgive our family karma from past life trauma, to learn different things from each other, and to heal any karma you may have with them or to give them the opportunity to heal karma they have with you. You intuitively feel out what this may be, and see that there are many layers to the healing process.
Also, much of this doesn't even need to be done with anyone actually knowing you are doing it on a conscious level. The effects of the healing will be worked on an etheric level, and the energies work their ways as energy knows no limits. So I didn't just go and tell my family and close relations, oh by the way, I am working on healing the timelines of our karma... No, this is not needed, its just how we serve the greater good of all in the universe, this is our humble work and service. Because when one is healed and balanced, this ripples out into the family, to the friends, to the town, city, country, to the nation to the world, to the universe.
We have come here to heal our selves and close the karmic circles. I love the sentiment, along the lines of, if you want to save or heal the world, look in the mirror and realize it starts with you. So, if each person was to embark upon the path of self realization, and the healing and balancing process of their stuff, think of what a change would be made in this world! And guess what, it already is!
We are all healers, and we are even more powerful healers when we heal ourselves first. Healing is basically the act of maintaining connection to Source, and connecting to and realizing that the same divinity that exists within yourself. Then having a inner garage sale, and processing things that were left behind, so you can move forward with truth, honesty and owning who you are, and the unique things that have contributed to who you are as a whole being, a whole soul.
If I hadn't gone through all of the things I went through I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the same level of understanding. So all of the trauma I have experienced, is part of the whole part of my journey in this lifetime. The trauma of bullying, even death threats when I was a kid, the trauma of witnessing of my parents fighting all the time growing up, sexual and emotional abuse without my parents knowing, the pain of witnessing my mother being treated horribly by her own mother and family growing up, judgement from family and peers, my own eating disorders, and alcohol abuse, fear of abandonment, that stem from family lineage patterns, severe anxiety, depression and thoughts of suicide. Then there are the past life traumas that we have experienced if we have been on Earth a long time, that need review and clearing and are usually things we will be triggered with in this lifetime.
I have taken the time to go through and implement all of this, so that I am free from it. It happened, it hurt, I buried it, and I paid the price later on. But, when I became fearless enough to go back to those traumatic experiences, and assess them with no judgement of how angry or sad or hurt I felt in each and every situation, with open hearted loving acceptance of myself in all of these situations and how they made me feel, this is when I found true freedom from them all. To the point where they are things that happened, but I can now see why, and have a deeper understanding of from a higher perspective and understand the soul's experience on a deeper level.
Now I am able to sit with these things, and accept and own, without resentment, anger, or triggering, because I have worked through them, because I have processed these fragmented parts of myself. I forgive myself and I forgive others. I understand that the lessons I have learned in life are all gifts, and I accept them now because it has allowed me to live my life with great strength, compassion, non - judgement and empathy for all of humanity.
I see everything as a spiritual experience because spirit is part of the essence that makes us whole beings. It is part of who we are. There are 4 parts to the wheel of self, the Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual. I can't live in one part full time and expect the wheel to be balanced. It is when all aspects of self are in balance, that I can stand at the centre and in my own centre with ease.
Personal Processing Process
When we first moved to Victoria, I had a sense that this was going to be a great place to just BE. Without realizing what that entailed completely... The truth is, I went deep... I faced my shadows, I plummeted deep into the depths like ocean that surrounded me, the depths of my own being... I went into what our society calls, depression. Depression is nothing to fear I have come to realize. It was actually a very empowering experience. I shut off the external voices, and tuned out what people thought I was supposed to be doing and just did what I needed to do. I took time for myself to process and feel out layers and layers of deep emotions and trauma that I had pushed to the side. No one would have really been able to tell what was going on in my inner world, but there was a lot!
I realized that the only way that I can ever truly help others is by helping myself. Just the word DEPRESSION, has the essence of - a deep recession, a recess, a pulling back, a break from outside demands. Our society created this stigma, to feel bad for going into these periods of introspection by labelling them with a negative undertone so that it will be feared. It is nothing to be feared, just a label to describe another state of being and another experience as a soul having a human experience. We came here to experience it ALL.
Throughout history, many tribes would build special caves and go into them for these deep journeys of spiritual realization, or call them vision quests, and this is what it has felt like for me, a vision quest. I didn't fall victim to being depressed, I embraced it and was empowered through it.
All of the love and light, happiness, fake it til you make it kind of stuff that I had learned before, became a load of bull shit, and laughable to be honest. The belief that affirmations fix everything, is like putting a tiny sparkly bandaid on a lethal wound, it is just going to keep bleeding. Not wanting to accept the negative aspects of our selves is the ego trying to protect itself from crumbling into a thousand pieces so that the true essence of the soul can shine through broken pieces and all. Perfection can be fake and dishonest, like a mask people wear, but the true perfection of each soul lies in the gifts and lessons that soul has gone through, all of the things it has endured and learned.
At the time, I felt so surrounded by love from the higher realms, even more so than humans. I felt more understanding and more compassion from the beings in higher dimensions. Most humans are also afraid of other people who have depression, or who are going through their stuff, like they are going to catch it like a virus or something. There is so much judgement and criticism. People just want you to be happy, but it's never just for you, its coated with selfish motives. It makes people uncomfortable to see people expressing emotions that are considered negative. This is another reason why I am grateful for my experiences with anxiety and depression, because I now have a point of reference to what this truly feels like, and I am better able to know and understand someone else's pain, when I understand and have processed my own.
This was the dark night of my soul and I embraced it, why? Because I knew I didn't need to fear anything through it. What is the worst that can happen? I die? Well I am not scared of that at all. Or that people will judge me? I have always been more hesitant to "follow the crowd" and nothing really makes me feel worse then doing what everyone else is doing. Or faking and being fake. So I plunged in!
Some days I felt like absolute garbage. Somedays I felt like if this is life on Earth, I would rather just go back to living out in the universe in a higher dimension, because I just couldn't bear to feel all of the insanity that was filtering through me from the collective. I could seriously feel what everyone else felt and most of it was all of this heavy sadness and pain.
I am actually grateful to have had that time to experience it all. It was actually very beautiful when I think back on it. But I have this different outlook, because I had a different view point on it then the BS (bull shit / belief systems) that society prescribes. I am grateful I have the view point that it is all a part of the process, and that God loves me no matter what, I am worthy of peace and love no matter what, and that it was part of my soul's journey.
It was when I was in this space of nothingness and emptiness, that I found my truest self. Nothing to be, nothing to do, just me and my soul, in all of it's power and truth. This is what the beings from higher dimensions come in to teach us, and what the Ascended Masters come in to show us. You are perfect as you are, it is when you start to believe that you are not good enough in comparison to the outside world, that you struggle.
I worked through this with time, patience and respect for my self and my soul's divine path. I worked with partner and my soul sisters that I am so grateful for, through all of this. My mom has always been very supportive of my journey too, even though she doesn't understand it completely. I did sessions where I learned techniques like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and different ways to clear traumas with one of my sisters, that helped tremendously. I worked with plant medicines, herbs and tinctures. I focused on what is best for me, and doing the things that felt good to me and not being around people that don't treat me well or make me feel good. There is not just a perfect recipe, just like getting in shape, or nutrition, you be your own laboratory and find out what works best for you.
I feel like now, having experienced doing this work, it is like all of this energetic weight lifted off of me, and sharing it with all of you helps as well. I hope that it might help to read about my experience too.
Always walking forth, continuing to paint on the canvas of my life, with love, authenticity, and truth. Jillian
