DEEPLY AWAKE – THIS IS GETTING FUN
I have had diarrhea of the pen the last few times I have written. This, of course, is a symptom of obfuscation, borne of the twin mothers of denial and ambivalence.
About a year ago, trying to figure out why I kept hitting dead ends professionally, I went to my psychic, Norma, who said, quite simply, “You don't have enough because you do not believe yourself to be enough, yet. Solve this, and you will have all you need, and much more.”
This is a central theme in so many of the lives who touch mine. To be frank, I think the degree to which someone displays what are called “egoic” or “negative” behaviors is the degree to which one's refusal to love self, and by extension, other, is poking through. It's certainly been true of me.
Projection is something I have been really contemplating lately. What stuff is mine, and what is yours? That has always been a keen question on my lips when trying to make friends, and peace, lately.
The question comes up, what happens when you are interacting with someone and the interaction is just awful? There is too much indirectness, too much obfuscation, and there is a slidy, weird feeling to it? What then?
I am not imagining this person, conjuring them up. This person has a history, a back story, triggers and loves and longings I know nothing of. Moles and insecurities and odd habits. Unity consciousness my ass, until we are in the 5th (and that, I think is a lot like being in love or having an orgasm: if you are not certain you have experienced it, you haven’t), I have to know how to regulate and normalize my experience, find peace with my fellow man, even those who are just awful to me.
Isn't that what this is about to some extent? I mean, I know that it all starts within. And that's what I wanted to say. I have had a couple more of those bleed through moments recently, like I had on Christmas Eve, when everything gets extremely intense, really really physically intense. Really sort of takes my breath away, that space. Last time I had a spell like that, I was at the sink washing dishes.
With this sensation has come a deep and abiding understanding, in my bones, that I actually do go on and on and on. I am eternal. If my physical vehicle expires, that would, of course, be for my highest good, the most appropriate thing for my growth. But, it's really like John Lennon said, it's nothing to fear. It's like switching cars. I'm not afraid of a new car. I like the way they small, really.
A companion thought to this is something I realized in church today. THIS is the fun part. THIS is what I signed up for. When it becomes clear that things are starting to finally come together, against tremendous odds, somewhat miraculously.
You see, I had become really discouraged because I still was feeling punished when bad things happened. I didn't really believe that I'd have to keep facing variations on these cruddy themes long after it was interesting or new or even very fun.
But then, I don't know, there has been a change.
I felt such incredible, burgeoning, bursting love for a new person in my life, and I had breathtaking fun for well over a month. And I know in my heart of hearts that this fun was mutually compelling and really rich in gifts. And then something happened.
This is neither the time nor place to discuss the details. No one's business. But the deal is, a year ago, had this happened, I would be just devastated, caught in the trap of using past experience as a predictor of the future, in a bad way.
I did have a rocky couple of days, teary and sad, feeling fragile and delicate. But that passed, and now I see things so much differently than I ever have in my life.
I feel so blessed to have had such a rich a lush mental relationship. It was long distance, and we'd never met.
This is where this weird new-age-here-I-go-with-the-self-referencing is appropriate: “How do these circumstances inform my own self to my truth of how I understand myself?” Answer: Well, it was genuine, it was exciting and absolutely positively divine in intent and execution, perfection in timing. But long-distance was about as much real love as I could do after all those years solo.
And the distance, and our real beliefs and blocks, well, they eventually (kinda quickly, actually) got in the way. There were tons of other lessons, but this is a truth.
And it's a comforting truth. It means I am open, ready, willing and able to meet new people. And next time, the fears that popped up this relationship will have been dealt with, at least initially. I have an inability to see this brief thing as an indictment about how I can't sustain a relationship, or any other mean stuff. Nope. It was perfect, in intensity, duration, everything.
I now accept that these really core issues will also be coming up again and again here, at the end. And some of them are really mean, scary little fuckers. Really tenacious. Deep and profound, full of paradox and heartbreaking simplicity, keys left lying on the table to the cask you have had under your bed your entire life.
I am drilling down to the core now. In church, sitting there, realizing the biggest bang is right now, right before all the resolutions and endings and, of course, new opportunities, come to me. Now. In this moment, able, finally, to hold something sturdier than hope deep within my belly, something more like resolution. Being resolute. Being clear. Being fine. Feeling unaffected but absolutely delighted almost all of the time. Able to accept all, love all, allow all. You could probably swing a cat around me right now, and I'd ask you how that was for you.
And this lack of judgment, it is not from resigning myself, as I used to, to the foolishness of others, their cruelty and inattention and pettiness. Nope. It's just not needing anything from anyone.
And here it is.
The core.
The koan I'd been working on my whole life was this: How can I get my needs met when I feel such need from others, needing others to give to me........?
I realized on Christmas what this need was, what it has always been, a relatively unanswered call, an unbalanced equation... I realized that I had been needing, or feeling I needed, love. Often from people unable or unwilling to give it, and frequently only willing to give it at great cost to its receiver.
And I realized that, when all is said and done, I really don't need anyone to love me or understand me or support me. Yes, it is my preference to be among, or at least in communication, with those who do not shame or debase me, but instead uplift and encourage me. People open and willing to receive this encouragement from me. That sounds fun.
But if I do not discover that with anyone else, and just keep my loved ones circle super small, so what? I see every moment as such a rich garden of realities. But still, I am coming to understand that much of this work, and a big reason I am here, is to be around others, and to not let them get me down or be thought of as anything but others on their very own path.
I see these “end times” as an opportunity to put the finishing touches on so much, so much, and I think we want to make damn sure we do it right this time. It's no freaking accident so many of us are perfectionistic. It's perhaps a perversion of the innate determination we came in with to not screw this up.
I don't think any of us want to half ass this. So we are confronting ourselves and our multitudinous realities, or at least I am, with the themes, the central koans, of my very nature. And these truths can take on different hues, textures, tastes, depending on the context, the level of consciousness, within which I choose to dwell. Bu, who knows, I may decide to play peek a boo with myself for a while.
And now, I feel like the best response is, okay.
I am not seeing life problems as proof of anything but that I am clearing out the calcified garbage that I've been unwilling to bend down and scrape off for decades. I am doing my terminal cleaning, leaving these digs, and they are going to be clean when I leave. I'm gonna make sure I am getting my full deposit back.
So, I'm sitting in church realizing that it's working out well, getting this spacy feel enveloping me from time to time and helping me to feel just overwhelming love for this reality I am co-creating.
I'm still not there with the you and me separation stuff. I am really ok with you being your person, me being mine, and us just communicating lovingly, directly, and honestly. Until we hit the 5th, I am not convinced it's healthy or wise for me to think of the people in my reality as anything but on their own journeys. I'll rethink that the minute I can read my neighbor's thoughts, or intuit his feelings consistently and in full-on loving, no-judgment ways. But until that fine day, the day of no shame/blame/guilt/judgment from/to anyone ever again, I realized that I am finally released, in a funny way. Released from need.
I am thoroughly fascinated with life, physical life, at this point. I feel like I have gotten some energetic things worked out, and now my physical reality is actually working a bit better. And the nice part is knowing that if I do get more bad news, which is possible, I suppose, it's no more a reflection of my spirituality, my worth, or my capabilities, as if I won the lottery. No rewards or punishments here. I assume every single thing I am aware of or struggling with is there for my highest good, in love for myself, and just keep going.
It's all neutral.
I would like to experience more and more ease, fun, peace, love. I have that now, in the midst of what others would think would be bad circumstances. How can I be so happy with things bearing down on me like this? Is this any way for a grown woman to behave?
Why, certainly. It's not as delusional as it used to be, because before, I was paying lip service to the concepts. But now, it's feeling different. I feel different. I feel investment in my physical reality. I am making very concrete physical improvements in my life, doing the things I have been avoiding and putting off, without taking any of it seriously at all.
It was being in that truck, and the hits of that funky energy I've gotten since, which has made the difference. I see now how immediate and lush and rich loving being physical is, and how challenging and multi-dimensional all relationships are.
If I don't take into account my beliefs, thoughts, impressions, feelings, about my reality, then I don't reap the benefits. If I keep small, keep scared, keep thinking I am not enough, then it's just so easy to pick up another's sadness, misinterpretations, bad habits. If I just accept that this is a kick in the pants, and it's mysterious, and sometimes inconvenient, sometimes even scary, but that I just go on and on and on, on and on and on, and all of this is just to experience it, not to judge it or hate it or be afraid of it, no, not at all!, just to appreciate it and enjoy it, well I think there is some home-spun truth in that.
Oh, I like where I have been visiting lately.
I guess I just want to say that one of the things that really shifted things for me was realizing that every single person has their own reality, and I really don't have to accept anything at all that someone presents to me as The Only Truth and swallow it whole. What is right for me is right for me. I need feel no resentment or fear toward someone trying to inculcate me. And I don't need anyone to understand or agree with me. I don't really even need anyone to agree with me.
And then it struck me, big as the sun. Holy smokes, I am ok with being undercover.
It used to really bother me, that no one else knew what I knew, no one else appreciated what I appreciate, understands how I understand, thinks how I think. It filled me with longing, and a deep sense of incompletion and loneliness. That's where I was for so long. But now, if no one ever gets me ever, I think I am ok with that.
Truth be told, there are things I know that I cannot explain to anyone else, and really, I am so satisfied with my progress, that I think I've actually got this now.
If no one ever comes up to me and comments on my act of kindness, so what? If no one else in my whole life ever talks about a light body or angels, so what? I know my truth, and it's rotten with light and angels. Smiley face.
I understand in a more gut-busting way now that absolutely no one has power over me, unless I choose to give them some, or all of it, but even that is perfectly fine. Possibly unpleasant, but, really, quite fine.
I think it would be awful fun to finish this life out surrounded by people and things and circumstances who freely love, forgive, allow and laugh. I'd prefer to not be isolated by language, desire or belief, but, you know what, I no longer feel the need to be surrounded by that. And there is power in this place.
I don't want to keep fighting the same dragons.
It's time, finally, to step up and do as I have been trained. I have now learned the benefits and techniques to ride the dragon.
And that is because I understand now that the dragon is none other than myself, seeing situations twisted, pushed, interpreted and pursued in my own very special way, dressed up in full-on dragon suit, lighting up the hair spray with my bic, hollering and trying to scare the bejesus out of myself.
That's I guess what I finally see.
It's not the circumstances, or others' sometimes baffling and bizarre behavior. Nope. It's in how I take it. And the more love I feel, genuine respect and love and fidelity and trust, I feel toward myself, the less need I have in getting it from others, the less I feel I need for something 'out there' to somehow fill me up, and I see the inherent creativity and mercy in the whole thing.
So that's where I have been.
Something is very different for me. I feel like that jibberty jabberty that I have been seeing in the blogs about the null zone and the void, well, I feel like I have been passing through something like that since around Christmas. I feel I am being birthed.
And each time, now, that I venture into the world, out of my home and away from the familiar, I am feeling more and more stunned by how beautiful things are, how nice people are to me, and how easy things are going.
Sure, I may decide, on some other more amnesic level, to throw a few more freaky-deaky curve balls at myself, but I am beginning to tire of that nonsense.
I leave you with the bit of light that Judy Satori gave the world just before Christmas. It's a video that is less that two minutes long, and it walks us through one of the most clever, most profound meditations I have ever come across. I've seen lesser strains of this in the psychiatric community, the CBT/RET crowd, but this is more powerful. I think it is our time.
She explains that when you start to feel a truly distressing feeling state, and you are feeling emotional pain as a result, she suggests that we place left hand on solar plexus, right hand on heart. Then we call up the feeling, get it big, exaggerate it, make it really almost unbearable, and then you understand and state, “I acknowledge that this feeling/situation/thought is not mine. It does not belong to me, this __________. I now release it into the light, from whence it came.”
That's it.
Simple. Clean. Intense.
It no longer really matters if ascension is slow or fast, to me. It no longer matters if I am here long-term. Because I really do think I might be getting a handle on things. I might really be getting kinda good at this stuff.
And with the burden of giving any thought to what others may think of me and my pursuits happily removed, I do believe that this could get fun.
