DEEPLY AWAKE – I AM CHANGED
Today, I am reviewing my life these past 9 months, and I feel complete with a few things that before were still being nailed down, still being melded into my being.
I see myself much differently now than before. I do not fear anything. Nothing.
I had a meditation two days ago which changed many things for me. In essence, I learned about the law of return. I did a healing in meditation, totally innate in its breadth and form, surprising in its complexity and mercy, creative and innovative and quite a ride. It was a meditation of absolution, of forgiveness, of pure love for me and everyone, everyone, everyone. And in the end, I stood and said, “I see you. I forgive you. I love you,” to everyone living or dead, connected to me consciously or not, regardless of littlemind stuff like politics or religion. And I got back so much love. Everyone I gave forgiveness and love and encouragement to, did the same to me.
Imagine. I am one person. Sending out as pure a vibration of acceptance and blamelessness and encouragement and love and forgiveness as I am currently able to, and once sent out, everyone who sensed it returned that love to me.
What a gift. What an honor.
I realize now that I am not a bad person for having thoughts and feelings and beliefs that most others do not. That has been my biggest hurdle this lifetime. I know it is bound up in a need to realize true humility, true selflessness. How can I help others when I have needs to be met by them? My goal is to have such a purity that love can just breathe right through me, unimpeded, and I can be sent in human form to wherever or whomever needs encouragement.
Not guidance. And not a lecture. No real words of explanation.
I committed to this when I came in. It is not my path to stand on a stage and preach to people like pastors do. It is not my path to tell anyone how to feel, what to think. But I know things that many do not. And it is this “but” that is now coming to the fore.
I have given myself permission to admit to others that I hear music they do not. This does not make me better than them. It just is a function of how I am built, and maybe what I am here to do, but it brings me peace to be multidimensional, and the glory inherent in this reality now, since the 10-10 doorway has opened, is that I am no longer muting my music to in a vain attempt to make others comfortable.
It seems I have been given a directive now. It is no longer time to be cloaked. It is no longer necessary to cloak.
Had I not had all the experiences I have, I might very well have developed a “better than” stance with people who may not hear the music being piped into my head, into you, the readers' heads. Up until now, I have known exquisite shame and fear when even considering discussing ascension or God or reincarnation among the general population. I thank God for the people in my life who are open to such things, but never, not once, have I met anyone in the flesh who could meet my energetic signature.
There is always a glitch. There is always an area that scares people. I can go so far. But I must explore things most people would turn from. I revel in thought and integration. And I want to meet someone, many someones, who are not afraid to go even farther. I know they are out there. They form the mosaic from which I draw my peace and satisfy my thirst. But they do not live in my neighborhood, and I cannot hug them. They won’t call me up and wish me luck on my job interview. They are uninvolved in my day-to-day life.
I want that now.
And this sadness with which I greeted everyone I met, this sadness of just knowing that here is someone whose interior would not surprise me one bit, oh, that is fading.
That is a false assumption. One that caused great suffering. It is from and of ego.
I see now that everyone who has been in my path, I put there, we agreed to the little dances we have done. They are as giants, and it has been my ego which has kept them small, insignificant, uninteresting.
I no longer feel great need for others to see me anymore. I see myself. And I see them. And that is enough for me now.
Let me share something from another recent meditation. It was profound, and is just one more block building the magnificent pyramid I am constructing within my soul.
I realized in a heartbeat that this amazing, deep, mysterious part from which my personality grows, this lush generator of mercy and experience is within each and every person.
I have had dark times when I have felt victimized. We all have. This is not news. What is news, is that I finally began to understand that each conflict was an agreement I made with another soul. They may not have known it, I surely didn't, but there we were, playing tormentor and tormented. There we were playing bullied and bully. And the ones who have inflicted harm took a much greater risk to their being than I by taking on the role they played. They played the part of bad guy (oversimplification...) and I hated them for it, sometimes for a really long time. They risked great karma, because they risked my not getting to the forgiveness phase. They gave me great acts of courage and love by grinding up against my sensibilities and my abilities.
I am grateful for each challenge.
And I see now that this need to create problems and then solutions is only one way to do this life.
From the Center, from the Truth of it All, there is only love, there is only grace, there is only assistance.
I am now more fully who I have always been. I am unafraid. I am eager to use my vibration as a balm for others. I do not need them to love, recognize or appreciate me. Without that driving need, with my center filled as it is with self love, God's love, then I truly can be someone who can have anything rip through her and still be intact. I need no one to reach my vibrational signature. It never was my role to have that need fulfilled by people before. In fact, it appears that it was my path to have that need go glaringly unfulfilled for five decades. Because the truth of it is, only God can do that. Only God.
Here's the funniest thing of all, though.
I thought this Buddha on the mountain stuff would wind up alienating me from others. No. It was the climb up the mountain that alienated others. I was exploring, stumbling, exposed and exhausted most of the time. I was in need of a few drops of water, some crude shelter, some warm clothing, and too often, the people around me did not even know I was scaling a mountain as I sat with them, worked with them, cried with them, loved them. I grew angry and bitter because I could never understand why no one could see the great need I had, the struggle I was having within.
Now I have a better view. And I do not curse those who did not understand. I didn't understand it myself. All people saw sometimes was need, and fear, and insecurity.
Now that is neither the view from my eyes, or the view others have when they see me.
I am confident now. Clear. In good humor. I yield. I listen. I do not interrupt. I understand that every interaction I have from here on out is to assist me, but also to assist the other. I have a job to do. It's the job I came here to complete, and because I have broken the shackles of my littlemind's will, I can now complete my task.
I am here to love and to forgive and to encourage myself and everyone around me.
It's so simple, and, as with all these understandings, so complex, so involved, so multidimensional in scope and practice, it is truly boggling. It is simplicity in intent, and complexity in form. It is a beautiful and sage mission.
And now I can do it. I am able.
Even on my off days, days like today when I feel more contracted than expanded, I know that there is only one thing to do, one truth to translate for myself and everyone here: That I love God, and God loves me, and God is in everyone, and that God loves me and I love that God. I understand now that everyone is a part of The All, everyone has a God within, everyone deserves my respect, my admiration, my humility.
But too, I have a new found voice. I can very simply state the obvious, things that others scurry around being freaked out about. At work, “they” want to short staff our unit and “make” us take 7 very sick patients apiece. Everyone is pissed off, really mad, and scared too. “What about my license if someones is crumping and I don't even know about it,” the harried nurse says.
And I just state the obvious. I politely say, “No, my limit is six patients. I am more than happy to clock out and go home if this cannot be managed. No worries. And, my dear, if every single nurse on this floor just said no, dispassionately, lovingly, confidently, everything would change. The demeanor of the group, the agenda of “them”, everything.
And it is not hard to say no now. I need no one's approval now, except my own, and my God's. I live to love God, live God, know God in the now, in my own little way. I am not God, far from it. This is a tricky concept, because to say “I am God” sounds like pure ego. The thing is, God is without ego. God needs no ego. God can function just fine without worry, anger or fear. It loves the worry, anger and fear into itself, absorbs the jangly sensations and thrills at the complexity and beauty of it all.
Total permission to BE.
Total encouragement to BE.
Total credit for BEING.
This is heaven on earth.
One last thought, something I really would like feedback on.
I see a lot of things of Facebook, posters and such, that basically say, “If they cannot love you, let them go.” and this seems to be a lightworker mantra.
It is a good first step. We must purge our awareness of this negativity and bolster our love of self by being around those capable of expression of as much unconditional acceptance as possible in the beginning. We are seedlings at first, and need gentleness, kindness, sweetness, mercy, to fully realize our goodness.
But then this passes, or at least it did for me.
My old therapist Richard used to say, “Well, gee, Kathy, when Jesus came back you didn't see him go hang out at the centurion barracks. He went to his friends. He went to those who could accept him.” And that's true. It takes a sage to know when one's presence would be detrimental. However, if he had found himself among the centurions, in his light body, all shiny and new, he would have loved them, forgiven them, and made miracles to bring them into alignment with their true natures. That wouldn't have been so bad. He wouldn't quake in fear, or doubt for one minute that they played their roles well. Neither would he see them as villains or as bad. Nope. Just people with maybe some faulty wiring, some faulty beliefs.
I think it is a form of spiritual arrogance when we cling to the need to be around people of a certain vibration.
When breaking that soil and negotiating a new kind of life, one that had been nothing but a potential before that moment of breaking the surface, obedient nurturing is absolutely necessary. But once the bark is hardened, the leaves are dazzling in their esoteric alchemy, the tree can weather storms, sustain itself in drought, and become a shelter for anyone needing it.
I feel my seedling and sapling times are coming to a close. I can provide shade, a place to rest, I can be an inspiration to other trees, and to the weary traveler who needs to be filled up with an ancient beauty I myself do not comprehend, that I just know and radiate. I am not the beauty, I am translating beauty in my own way. I am not the sun, I am a reflection of the sun. I am not God, I am a projection of God, as tree, as human, as spirit.
To think I have done any of this on my own is the greatest falsehood of all. It is the most purulent of the ego's lies. I am just a spark of light, as are all my sisters and brothers. Together we shine as one.
I have preferences as to who I hang out with. I use care, even here, to not share the things I am not to, to give what I can, and to then release it into the ethers, where this great compassion takes on a life of its own.
I cannot speak for you, only myself.
I do not know if I will be taken up into a swirl of ascension tomorrow or if I will be doing this 3d thing for years and years. It is not up to me to know certain things. I feel weariness still, sometimes, when considering I might have to slog through years of this, but it passes. Funny what, “Not my will, but thine be done” does to my countenance. It soothes me. It provides purpose and harbor.
Further, when shitty things happen in my life, I have only one obligation: to simply understand that I have not failed in any way. I am not more spiritual if only cool things happen to me. I am spiritual in my biggest screw-ups. I am intact regardless of the signals I am receiving.
I do not worry now if bad things seem to be happening, because I understand now that everything is emanating from a heart of love. Everything is sainted, everything is meaningful, and everything is purposeful. The first purpose is to love, forgive, acknowledge, accept. This duality served its purpose, but there is another way.
So as I sit writing this, I am aware of the shift I will need to do tonight. I am aware that I will be tired tomorrow morning. I remember my meditation, the one where I said I love you and everyone said it back. From that place, I understand it is easier to manifest loving experiences, less harsh, now, moment to moment in this laboratory I call my life.
I will need to give myself fewer opportunities to forgive myself if I have already done so. I see crises as just invitations to love myself (always have). Now that I do, I will need to give myself fewer tests, fewer opportunities to see things as they are. I already do. FOR NOW.
This is a mysterious process, and one which smacks me down every single time I think I have it figured out. If I close a book before I have read it all, I will get the story handed to me in other ways. I took the time, these last 9 moths, to read my books.
I understand they were primers, and that there is more coming to me now. I have asked Them for my gifts now. I am ready, as They see fit, to give more love to me now. I am willing to accept, willing to receive, willing to imagine and know that I am worthy of every good thing, every peace, every joy. And I want nothing more than to let others know of this peace, without ever saying a word.
I will be a stealthy angel, one which goes perhaps undetected, but who moves among men to strengthen and steady and calm. I need no one to understand where my peace comes from, and will not divulge all my lessons, my internal awarenesses. It is for everyone to discover on their own. But I want to give the gifts I have been given, quietly, discretely, lovingly and patiently.
I allow all, love all, forgive all, desire nothing but The All.
This is what has changed. This is how I have changed.