How I Learned To Let Go Of Controlling Everything In My Life & Found Ease & Surrender

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by Derek Lovell, Collective Evolution

Trying to have control over every aspect of our lives, ‘White Knuckling’ it, or having ‘The Death Grip’, are common mechanisms for many of us. I have tried to control everyone and everything in my life at various points and that control stripped away any of the joy and deep connection that I was ultimately trying to create through these deep rooted control mechanisms. But it never worked.

This is one of the ways I have come to learn what control looks and feels like to me, how I have overcome this habit, and how I have finally found ease in my life and let go of the control that used to rule my life.


We are all watching our own movies play out in every moment and no one will ever see or feel how life looks like through our lens. We are the main character of our movies and everyone else is simply in a supporting role.

You are the star of your own movie. Why would the main character of their own movie ever want a supporting role to tell them how to star in their own movie? That’s right, they probably wouldn’t. (Keep that thought in mind next time you feel called to tell someone what to do)


It’s important to remind ourselves that we are the star of our movie and that others are the star of their own movies. It’s easy to take things personally in this life when we’re so invested in our relationships and in our dreams, but taking things personally really doesn’t serve us and it creates unnecessary suffering.

Although it can feel personal when we are let down by our tribe or our expectations are not met, it never has anything to do with us. They’re just living out their story, they’re busy staring in their own movie. Is it possible to take a step back and see that their actions or lack of support in the way that we expect of them, doesn’t have anything to do with us? That it doesn’t make much sense for us to expect anything from others when they are starring in their own movie?


I think we can all agree that we have struggled to release control in various aspects of our lives, I know that I have! From all of life’s unfoldings to the way my family and friends live their lives, I have tried to control many different things based on how I want my own movie to play out and based on how I feel their movie should play out.

I would say, “but it’s all out of love” and “It’s only because I want the best for them”. Sure, to a certain degree that’s true. I tried to control the outcome or choices of the ones I love because I want the best for them. But who am I to say what’s best for someone else’s path? (Aka, their own movie) This caused a whole lot of pain, resistance, and discomfort for not only the ones I love, but for me especially. In the end, we don’t have any control over anything outside of our own selves, so why try to control anyone else?


When we can accept that everyone else is the star of their own movie and we are the star of our own movie, we see that anyone outside of the star is a supporting role. These people are here for the star to learn from, not in that they tell us what to do or how to live, but for us to take everything that triggers us or brings us joy as lessons we can learn from.

A triggering experience from a friend, family member, colleague, or even a stranger, is only triggering because it is bringing something up within ourselves to look at. “Why does it make me upset that she doesn’t make an effort to check in with me and see how I’ve been? Why am I triggered by her actions?”- Most likely because I am trying to control an aspect of her life based on what I feel I need or want. It’s all coming from within ME.

A joyful, beautiful, or loving supporting role in our lives is only reflecting back to us that which we already are. When we are in awe of one of our tribe members success, beauty, or courage, it’s because we are of that vibration too. Our awe of them is a reflection of what we already are, it’s just being mirrored back to us now.


We are ALWAYS being supported and until we fully embody that truth, we will never be able to attain the levels of joy and abundance we are meant to experience. Even our darkest and most challenging experiences are serving us in our highest good.

How is this serving me? What can I learn from this? Why does this cycle continue to repeat itself to me? These are the empowering questions to be asking ourselves. Let go of the victim state mentality. Let go of “Why is this happening to me?” It’s not happening to us, it’s always happening FOR us!

The victim state is a very common state that many of us slip into from time to time. It feels like it’s serving us, through the pity and the attention, the ‘poor me’s’ seem to help. But they don’t serve us even the slightest. Ask yourself, how is this challenge helping me? What can I learn from this?


To sum this all up: We only have control over our own experiences, nothing outside of ourselves is in our control. There’s no need or purpose in taking other peoples words or actions to heart. They are living their own experience and it has nothing to do with us.

When we realize that everything is a reflection of our own selves, and that we don’t have control over anyone but ourselves, we see that there is no more room to have ‘The Death Grip’ on each and every aspect of our lives. Love from an unconditional heart. Focus on what you do have control over, YOURSELF.

Don’t take things personally. Others are just moving through their own shit storm and it’ s okay.

Derek is a relationship and abundance coach, working with couples and individuals to attain abundance in all aspects of life. Check out his website here.