is she even a person?
hello all. its been a while! lots of great things have been changing and i just cant get enough of it :) i took the time to write this out this morning. i hope its worth your time and helps u in some ways? hah =D
i had a surreal experience at a middle-section spiral point in my life before things got really intense, today the spiral is nice n wide and i like this much better lol, but i get lost in confusion much easier, anyways, i have had a tonnnnnn of experiences but im going to only talk about what i suspect to be twin-flame related.
i got started with girlfriends very young, i held hands under a table with a girl named charity who was my first real gf in 2nd grade lol. she is also the first girl to have another boyfriend and dump me for him in 2nd grade!!! JEREMY! grrr lol
anyways, skipping ahead to when im 14, all i am is a boyfriend, im hardly single so im codependent on having a girlfriend, i couldn't stand being "alone" (like i had a clue what "alone" was back then, huh?!). so i met a girl named Erin, who lived down the street from me surprisingly, and is very open minded and i would say that was my first true love experience and the first day we met, i asked her out, we lasted 11 months that first time. a year break passed and i was single that whole time, heartbroken you know, a recovering love addict lol, 3 months into that relationship i lost my virginity to her, and i thought she lost it to me but wont get into all that complicated dramatic stuff its totally unrelated i think, but the point im trying to make is how important this relationship was, that experience as well.
somewhere in that 1-year break we had, i moved somewhere and we had lost touch during the breakup. she had boyfriends but i couldn't stand another girlfriend, we still went to the same school but i no longer lived right down the street. one day i get a random phone call from her, wondering how she got my new cell number ( yes i was a 14 yr old with a tmobile nokia phone lol) and why she was even calling me. turns out she had been trying for a while to get in touch with me (this is in winter break i think when i found out, and i was about to move to houston, which was 3 hours away from where we currently were. but i didn't know that yet…
she said she has a letter for me, and it was about 4 pages front and back in terrible, out-of-character handwriting with smudges and shit, she was crying and struggling to write these words to me. she felt so bad and didn't realize what she had with me and she sweet talked me into to giving it another chance but it was quite awkward at first. i was extremely paranoid, my best friend who would never do anything to hurt me, was joking about how hoot she was and she was joking back and normally, thats how my friends and i are, we r open and can joke like that without hurting feelings or expecting anything. but of course my paranoid ass was suddenly mad at my best friend thinking he was trying 2 get with her and stubborn when erin tried calming me down lol.
i cant quite remember how this ended up happening but, somehow even ERIN moved to houston and got her own place and we were able to be together for another year and some odd months. i was 17 living with her and she was in college driving me to school and picking me up every day. amazing…
anyways that ended on bad terms and she moved back to austin. we haven't been together since but we are still friends who say hi every now and then on Facebook. hah...
i often wonder if she was my true love who i should fix and get back together with but, i now think she gave me the experiences i needed at that time of my life and played her roll, now she needs to go thru some things outside of my life too.
but now another girlfriend comes into the story bc, she died around this time of my life… Shawna. this killed me. my heart was shattered after this forever and i think i have had 2 girlfriends which were short lived relationships after i found out about shawna dying instantly in a car accident. i miss her so much and bc of this solitude and all these things crashing down on me, i broke. i was at rock bottom and had to find a way out, which is a wholllle new life about to unravel itself for me.
and i haven't even told u about how i was arrested on xmas eve and spent xmas in jail, how i dealt with drug experimenting and addiction, how my license was INVALIDATED (not suspended! wtf right?!) and i had unpaid tickets i didn't know about bc they didn't have a current address for me to send the reminders to and i get arrested for warrants and my car breaks and im going thru near death experiences and questioning my belief in god i mean.. i could go onnnnn and onnnn!
but see…. this is where my curiosity about the twin flame comes in… relatively recently, i had an experience i posted on here where i saw a spiraling vortex of 2 colors spinning making a 3rd faint color, green and turquoise making white in the center is what i saw i think.. maybe not green but turquoise and something else spinning in unison around a faint white. anyways, not only did i see that but the feeling i got and things i heard in song being communicated to me, i had to accept it as surreal! some comments mentioned it being my TWIN FLAME and something to do with my I AM presence. i cant help but wonder, could my true twin flame not even live here with us in this dimension? but still contact me in certain ways? apparently she saved me and shot herself into my heart while i was vulnerable during my first near death experience, or maybe during that meditation experience, something, i have felt protected since then and curious about even more crazy things on top of everything else.
if my twin flame does in fact exist in my heart now, or in the cosmos… what can i do about it? i have been perfectly comfortable being single and not having sex or anything for a couple years now, i kinda lived that life lardy and got tired of it when i was 18 lol. so it makes sense that i have established that true love connection… especially since my masculine characteristics have started getting tougher like starting something and completing it, videogames especially haha, but the feminine traits are more here now than ever and my creativity just over-floods me sometimes and i HAVE to do something that creates something, whether its music or cooking something new or ANYTHING. but again, i have trouble keeping this all in balance and its hard to pull all the way thru. this is just an issue i have, i don't expect a response towards it.
thanks for reading, this turned out way longer than expected. i hope it all flows well =)