Hello everyone. The last few months I've tried MDMA twice. Each with a different type of trip, but still connected through my consciousness. What I mean by this is, my thought pattern was the same. I thought about the same things. Connected with different people but again. The same topic.
The first time I tried this I was kind of drunk and was just looking for a party, tried 2-3 capsules of MDMA over the period of 12-14 hours.
This trip was nothing but fun. No deep thoughts except the fact that I spiritually connected and agreed with a complete stranger I met in the apartment where we took MDMA. He was a enlightened guy. With the same resonance for spirituality as me.
We both got goosebumps a few times because it was like we were meant to meet. And it was odd how much alike our thought patterns were, again in spirituality. All is one, Love is everything, etc.
The trip continued at my place the day after. With my bestfriend trying it for the first time. We had a lovely time. Felt great throughout the whole trip.
Now I'm at the part in the story, where I'm not sure if I'm sane or not..
The weekend after the first trip. I planned a trip (my apartment, tripping) with a good friend of mine. (Calling him "M")
Was supposed to be just the two of us. But my neighbor (Bestfriend) and his buddy joined along the way.
For 3-4 hours we just listened to chill music and felt amazing.
I'm getting butterflies just thinking about what to write next.
Then after awhile and alot of MDMA. My friend "M" seemed upset, It all started when we all where talking about what we were going to do this summer. And I told everyone I was looking forward to go to a music festival here in Norway with my neighbor.
"M" started to look upset and said what about our deal?
He didn't want to say what it was, and was walking around me looking very upset. I told him I didn't understand what he meant. Because at the time, I was pretty trippy.
Then the weird part started..
I was thinking to myself a bunch of thoughts about "M". Not all negative, just rambling on trying to figure out what he ment.
After awhile I noticed him, sort of.. answering my thoughts with facial expressions.
Yes you read that right. Answering my thoughts.. With facial expressions..
At the beginning I thought in my head that this was just bullshit. But then he said something.
"M" : Haven't we been here before. Can't you remember?
Then the goosebumps came. I had the strangest feeling that this actually had happened before.
After letting this sink in for a moment, I directly asked him. Can you read my thoughts? And he said yes.
Even though it seemed impossible at the time, whenever I had a thought, I could see him understanding what I thought, and getting upset because I was so in shock about the whole thing. thinking both negative thoughts and positive.
But he clearly could hear all I was thinking about, and was getting more and more upset because I was testing if he could hear it with negative thoughts. (And I felt really bad about it because I had been worrying and thinking about weather he'd fit in with me and my neighbor all day, Thinking bad thoughts).
After a bit of questioning from me. He seemed more and more upset about the questions I was asking.
Then when I asked what was going on. He said that he was in a infinite time loop. He could see his whole future, and every future possible. Every choice creating a new reality. And he was now pretty much crying because he was stuck where he was currently. And the only one who could change our current reality, was me.
This really scared me, because he talked about it like it was a bad thing. Whenever I tried to soothe him, he would say that I was asking the wrong questions, saying the wrong things. For our future to be the one we were meant to be living.
He then told me, that he and I had met that night, to figure out something together.
He was there to tell me that I have to figure out something, which he didn't know what was. Only thing he knew, was that I had to stop asking questions, and start to think about it.
Not knowing what to think about I thought about what I thought would be the right question.
My thought pattern as it happened:
I've felt that something was going to happen all my life.
Is this fate?
Is this real?
I saw the universe zooming out and out. Until I could see the body of the universe. sort of..
I tried to focus and not ask any questions. But it was like there was another entity there. A bad light, a good light. And my light sort of leaning on one side or the other, related to my thoughts.
So like, if I was thinking the right thing, I'd feel lighter. And if I was thinking the wrong thing. Heavier.
And this entity, really wanted me to fail. Trying to create questions in my head without me even realizing that I was still asking questions.
After awhile of goosebumps. And "M" reading my thoughts like I was speaking them out loud.
I HAD TO STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!
The thing that scared me the most. was that after we tried to go to sleep on a couch 2 feet apart. I couldn't stop asking questions in my head. And everytime I did. "M" looked shocked and afraid.
He then told me. (not his exact words) that I soon had run out of questions and time to think of the solution that we were supposed to do together.
I still didn't feel like I had a clue about what I was supposed to think about. But it was like my thoughts decided the reality we all were going to live in. And I was about to fail because of my urge to ask questions in my head. Getting more and more scared. As this felt more and more like destiny than anything else.
As my body had lived and picked up good and bad habits as to what direction to go.
For example: I'm norwegian, and we have some slang which is sort of like a quick way to say: "You know what I mean".
I've been saying this for a long time and its almost integrated in my vocabulary. And the scary part is that I added "You know what I mean?" to any of my thoughts. Making every thought a question. Making it harder and harder to stop.
But I've also picked up vocabulary slangs which ends the thought as a statement istead of a question. So it was like a war in my head between the two. Every thought steering me in a direction.
So every point up until that night, I had unconsciously prepared myself.
Then "M" gave me a warning, saying that it was almost to late, and in the exact moment I asked a question in my head. I could see on "M"'s face. That I'd failed.
He almost looked angry, telling me that we are linked. And was now probably going to kill one another. Terrified because I could feel this wasn't something he just said. He was terrified aswell..
Then I was about to say something to him (ofcourse a question..) , he quickly stopped me and said I should just go, before anything worse happened.
Terrified, I jogged out of my apartment and nextdoor to my neighbor. Lying 5-6 meters with a couple of walls between us, We could still "talk" to each other. Well not talk, almost like. Sending images to each other.
I was still trying to solve whatever problem we were supposed to, because I had the feeling that maybe he was supposed to tell me it was to late, for me to really think in the right direction.
Suddenly I get images of the road leading up to my apartment, and images of houses nearby.
I get the strangest feeling that we were, dissolving more and more. Like I was thinking the right thing, until it like popped. And I fell asleep.
The next day, "M" called me. And said he had walked around in my neighborhood until our link finally disbanded. (probably my "POP")
We talked about what happened the day before, and was astounded that we both remembered a lot of it. And we are both sure what happened is real.
Another dumb thing is that Its very hard to remember what happened. I have to focus on the tought of it happening and starting from scratch, whenever I lose focus.
After a long talk with "M" about everything we experienced the day before, and the entity we felt was in my apartment, he told me something was keeping that entity there, something hanging close to my door. I don't know what it was, but I found a little padlock hanging there. Which I can remember having made some promise to as a kid. (I've always felt like things live and understand you, felt bad when I think negative about a material thing etc.)
After awhile we hung up. Not knowing if we'd completed the task we were meant to work on or not.
My phone went out of battery, and I tried to chill out with my neighbor, thinking about the day before, all the time.
When I turned my phone on again, I had received a message from "M" telling me: I have so intense chills now. feel something is totally wrong here.
That part made me sick. As I felt the exact same way. Like whatever "evil" entity which was with us in my apartment. Made me think that we'd made it. Only so I'd stop thinking about it and kept asking the wrong questions.
Maybe that was the future "M" said I had failed at. In other words. I hadn't failed when "M" told me. But because I asked the questions I did at the time. I failed after. Thinking I'd made it.
Anyone can relate to similar experience?
I understand that during this time I was on drugs. But understand that you don't lose yourself while on MDMA.
You get a feeling of oneness, and a really good feeling across your body. I'm trying to take this experience with a grain of salt. But it's not easy when you've thought about this single moment all your life. And when it happens. Your not ready for it.
Peace and love guys.
I AM NIYA