If I had to pick a theme of my introspection lately it's pretty much been "How am I not myself?" and that's what I'm going to write about today. I've never fit in much. I've typically been shy, quiet and introverted although that's changed A LOT over the past few years. It's changed the most since I've been able to connect with other like-minded people.

Today, in a meeting at work someone made a comment and said that she thought I would be pretty good at sucking up. At the time, I sort of smiled and shrugged it off while inside of me I wasn't quite sure how to feel. Should I feel offended? Is it a bad thing that people look at me like that? Do a majority of my peers see me that way? I suppose, though, I already have the answer to the last question.

I worked at a ice cream shop in high school (my favorite job hands down. and not just because of endless ice cream. I wish I could be a soda jerk forever...) Anyway, one my coworkers was a cute boy who ended up telling me one day that I tried too hard. Not the same comment, but similar. And you know what, he was right. I did try too hard. I didn't feel like I fit in and therefore I couldn't accept my true nature. I didn't want to be the weird girl so I made every effort possible to try and fit in with the cool crowd. I knew I was different. I thought that it was wrong so I shunned that part of me.

I remember going to the store when I was little and just wondering why everything cost money. I didn't get it! Why couldn't everyone just take what they needed and leave the extra for others? Yes, I was a socialist in my preschool years. Of course that was all buried once I got to school and got "programmed". (IT DIDN'T WORK! I AM AWAKE!)

Touch

What is it about touch that delivers us to Love? We know when we’re being softly touched that it indeed feels good.  A warm caress, a gentle stroke, they serve to awaken us to that Divine presence. It is this Divine presence which inhabits us all and to which we are awakening.

We believe that we are different from the Divine.  Knowing that our lives are interconnected with the Divine and with each other, we begin to open ourselves to receiving without question or justification.  To be touched by another not only feels good, but unlocks the door to our deservedness and our inner self.

 When did we come to that juncture in our lives where we stopped receiving, as if to say “I don’t really need that anymore”?  We all need physical contact.  We are visceral.  We feel.  We respond to a welcome touch with surrender.  We recoil when blows are struck.  We surrender when caresses make their way across our body.

It is sad to hear an adult say “I don’t need it” when touch becomes unavailable.  We are concerned with appearances here, not wanting to appear needy.  In receipt of touch we fear appearing weak, especially to ourselves.

Friendship

Sometimes when we are feeling lost and alone, we don’t know which way to turn to renew a friendship.  That close friend we had so long ago seems lost to us now.  They have faded away like so many things from our earlier life.

Are we to believe that we can no longer sustain such relationships?  Are we to let go of all those sources of comfort that once enjoined us and caused us great pride.

Our affections for others are what keep us alive. Our connections to each other invite us to live again, to breathe in, and to satisfy those cravings for friendship we once carried and then set aside for what appeared to be important matters..

 It is untrue that we have to let go of such connections as time marches on.  It is true however, that we have a greater need for each other as the years speed by.

Paying Attention

Attention! Attention! Attention!  This is what is wrong with this place.  We don’t pay enough attention to our external circumstances.  Yes, the inner life is vastly more real.  But the outer life informs that reality.  We look in mirrors when we look out there.  There is no compromise on this point. One informs the other.

When you get up in the morning do you dress yourself with eyes closed?  Of course not.  You look at what you’re doing.  You choose colors according to your mood and your personal sense of style. You look forward to the day and prepare to present yourself in the best possible light.  Plaids do not go with polka dots.

So how is it that we continue to forget and choose to block out certain experiences?  Are we not blinding ourselves to some essential reality?  Of course we are.  This is a survival mechanism.  We’ve been doing it since the dawn of time.  Children do it all the time.  Blocking out unpleasantness is a common strategy until we realize we are re-creating and meeting the same issue and situation over and over again.