Truth be told, I’ve known I need to write about self-compassion for some time. Not just for my readers, but for myself. The reason I put it off? I suck at it. And I wasn’t quite ready to give up the part of me that believed that being gentle with myself would lead to stagnation. My high expectations of myself and others have propelled me forward, yet they’ve also been what kept me stuck. So now, as the Holidays begin and I sort through the proverbial piles of projects I’ve taken on, I’ve decided to say “fuck it!” and learn this lesson once and for all. After all, as Pema Chodron notes, “nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”

So, let’s start by defining “Self-compassion:”

Simply put, it’s being gentle on yourself. It’s treating yourself as you would a friend when she comes to you with a struggle, failure, or self-critical belief. It’s the ability to lean into your feelings of discomfort rather than ignoring them. This means no longer asking for permission to feel your emotions. Instead, it’s learning to self-validate, stating “this is a difficult time for me and it’s okay that I’m struggling. What can I do to give myself the comfort I need and deserve?”

1. Stop resisting it. When we’re screaming “no” (internally or externally), we unwittingly make things harder. Change sucks, but resisting it makes it suck more. You can’t move forward until you accept the reality of your current situation.

2. Accept impermanence. Habits are habits until they aren’t. No matter how still your image of yourself, another person, or a situation may be, it continues to change. In fact, regardless of how you perceive something at this moment, the thing itself is changing. Stress comes from trying to force things to be consistent and static instead of accepting that they aren’t. Simply put, stress comes from how you deal, not what you’re dealing with.

Fact: There is nothing less relaxing than when someone tells you to “Relax!” They may have the best of intentions, but their less-than-helpful advice sounds more like a stress-inducing command. When we’re anxious, overwhelmed, or stressed, the last thing we need is more pressure to change our state. Here are 5 counter-intuitive strategies to help you cope:

1. Stop trying to relax.

Just notice the tension without trying to change it. How does it feel in your body? Where do you feel it? Take a deep breath and allow yourself to just be. Validate yourself by saying “It’s perfectly fine to feel the way I feel.”

I love label makers. Give me a “Brother P-Touch” and I’ll gladly organize your home. Labeling things makes me feel in control, allowing me to find order in chaos. It lets me know what to expect when I open a file, a drawer, or the unknown. And while most people don’t share my enthusiasm for home organization, they label things nonetheless for the exact same reason.

Labeling ourselves and others helps us to feel safe, to feel protected, and feel like we know what to expect when we “open that drawer.” And while I’m sure a blog post about judging others would be helpful, I’d rather put the focus on you. How do you label yourself? Maybe you think you’re “the nerd”, “the quitter”, or as I often called myself, “the black sheep.” Whatever you think you are, you’re probably wrong. And that’s a good thing.

It’s often said that a great deal of growth occurs after trauma:

• The woman who is diagnosed with an illness and decides to create a life she loves
• The man who survives an accident and develops a sense of his priorities
• The brother who loses his sibling and cultivates stronger bonds with friends & family

Whatever it might be, trauma can often be a springboard to realize our purpose, fertilize our growth, and actualize our potential. This phenomenon is known as post-traumatic growth and commonly includes:

• More focus on one’s goals & dreams
• A renewed sense of meaning & purpose
• A better understanding of oneself
• A change in priorities and the ability to choose actions that align with them
• Deeper connections & relationships