My dinner was infested with a discussion on politics. I can't stand it. I tried to leave. They told me to sit down. I sat down. WHY did I sit down? They went on and on talking about horrible thingsand I felt so hot I took my wig off at the table and I said PLEASE! I cannot talk politics! I cannot stand this!!!!!
Finally someone came by and began talking about the wonderful thanksgiving with dancing and singing and I saw my chance to leave and I ran out of the dining room, went to the front desk and asked the staff to pray for me. I ran into one of my dinner ladies in the elevator and I was not going to get in the elevator with her but she promised she would not talk politics anymore. I went up to my room and starting crying violently, my body hurt all over and I began to wheeze in asthma again, happens so rarely but it happened tonight. They CAME TO MY ROOM trying to apologize and tried to explain why this talk about politics was so important and I shouted at them, "Can't you see that this hurts me? Now you have told me of people who died that I didn't even know about and I feel helpless, they are dead and I COULD NOT PROTECT THEM and they said well, war just happens and we can't control it and I said NO!!!!! We have to change human nature! We all have to love, we all have to want peace, we have to talk about peace and not war, we have to give up on war because when we kill people we are also killing the planet! And I asked them to declare peace on earth and they said they would do it privately and I said PLEASE do it publicly so that it will inspire others to have hope and they both refused to declare peace on earth pubicly, I do not understand why.
I am not strong enough... I want to be strong like the rest of you. HOW do I become strong? My meditations are beautiful and I feel good when I do them but in the meantime I have some sort of strange mission here with these people and I cried like a banshee and I screamed "I will not have it! I will not have our planet die because we allow our governments to use our money to kill people, to make children into soldiers, to impoverish the world. This planet is alive and it is DYING because we can't stop killing each other? WE have to CHANGE!!!!
And then they started speaking more positively, trying to console me, and we all "agreed" not to talk politics at dinner anymore and I hope that works. And I think if this happens again I will quietly take my plate and move to another table.
WHY am I such a weakling that I have to go to my room and cry and then they actually pursue me and all show up in my room without my even wanting them to? One of them said that if I did not open the door she would call the staff so I HAD TO let her in!
Help me, help me, Archangels, I want to do more and I want to do my part and i just seem suddenly mired in crap here. This is harder than I thought it would be. How foolish of me to think that I could move in with these people and somehow help them awaken? Yet there Was that woman who wrote a beautiful poem for me and they for some reason get excited when I come in the room they all want to see what color hair I have, what I am wearing, what age I am projecting. They say the curly hair makes me a teenager and they like the grey wig best.
I knew something was coming when my computer and I were not able to work in symbiosis as we usually do and everything just went haywire.
Please forgive me for taking up so much space tonight but the whole day was so strange, that lovely sense of peace and progress retreated into myself and I felt as if I were being attacked by my closest friends in this place where I live.
I think I will skip breakfast.
Astreia Freaking Out Here Calling 911 Guardians come to my assistance please.....