Surrender means you have disappeared. Now you cannot take it back, there is no way. You cannot go back, there is nowhere to go back to. Surrender is a happening, and it only happens not out of calculation but out of the failure of all calculation, when you have utterly failed. You have tried this way and that, and you have tried all the possible ways and you see that you cannot reach anywhere, you go on moving in the same groove.
That's what happened to Buddha. After six years of tremendous effort he came to recognize the fact that whatsoever he is going to do is not going to help. Because it comes out of the ego, how can it take you out of the ego? It comes as part of the ego, is an extension of the ego - how can it take you beyond the ego? It is the ego who becomes the doer; the ego cannot decide to surrender. If it decides, it has deceived you again. Then it is there, controlling even your surrender - and the ego cannot control your surrender. If it is true, surrender means egolessness.
Buddha worked hard for six years in all possible ways, and there was no way to come home. The more he tried, the farther away he was.
One evening, sitting under a tree near the river Niranjana, he just became aware of the whole absurdity of effort as such. He laughed and went to sleep. There was nothing else to do; that laughter was the end of all effort. It was ridiculous. He laughed at himself, went to sleep. "For the first time" - later on, he told his disciples - "For the first time, I slept, because there was no dream, no thought."
-Rajneesh
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