DEEPLY AWAKE – MY PAW

I want to let you in a few miracles that are going on in my life. It has been a mixed bag, coming to this blog, I am sure, because although there is always, or nearly always, a sense of resolution with each of my essays, there is also a string which connects each to the other, and to deep issues which can be sort of painful to explore, I think. And I do apologize for that, but it's more due to this life being weird and my very own process.

On the way up in the elevator I had a thought. It dawned on me that I never called my neighbor this evening as I had planned on doing. Her mom died yesterday, and she needs help packing. I know I can save things by an early morning call to her, and I began to think about how I would approach her, in her complicated grief.

What came into my mind is that her mom did quite a feat. I know the energy now is much more pure, much more multidimensional than it was before the 12-12-12. I am clear on that point now. So, here is this 90 year old lady, who, in her day was I guess quite the raving bitch, but she made it! She got over the hump! She helped, in her very own way, to play her part in the awakening of the planet. Sure, she seems to have done it through discord and disharmony, but she still contributed. God! She must be so proud! And now she gets to spend her first Christmas fully conscious in 90 years. How awesome is that?

DEEPLY AWAKE – TOMORROW

I have been waking up with huge packets of information reeling off in my head, and I have had some awakenings lately.

And tomorrow is the 12-12-12. The big day.

I want to say, “So, here is my take on tomorrow, and what I am getting about the solstice...” but I am no expert. I just went downstairs to get my day going, and my car doesn't start. It turns over, but that is all it does.

So how can I sit on any kind of pretend throne and distribute anything to people kind enough to read these words, when my own creations crap out on me.

I have reached the long end of an energetic road.

I am encountering dark and light in immediate and real ways now. I see choices and probabilities and possibilities, for instance, in how I will get my car started again. But this whole scene adds a person I did not necessarily want contact with, and adds a wrinkle to this day that I would never, ever have consciously called forth. Ugh.

And that's the weird thing about this next bit.

DEEPLY AWAKE – BRINGING IT ALL HOME

Here, now, is the time for integration.

I have always felt a bit of reluctance writing, especially about my process, which, after all, is the core of expression, to combine, integrate, destroy and rebuild. Understanding has, until recently, been fragmented, scattered, necessarily compartmentalized.

Now is the time to allow all aspects to return home, within.

This morning, Sam once again told me about the shadows he sees, especially at night. These shadows scare him, and he is convinced of their malevolent nature, feeling menacing, potentially dangerous and lurking, always lurking.

It dawned on me what is really going on as we walked to the car, preparing for the quick drive to school. I told him, these are aspects of yourself, pieces of your awareness that are wanting to come home to rest within you. They are darker, shadowy, because they have gone unnoticed, unlanguaged, undefined. That's all. They play upon the walls to get your attention.

What is a shadow? Is it solid? Does it have the ability to pick up the phone and call you? Can a shadow be hugged or kicked? A shadow is proof that light is shining very near by, but there is something interrupting the light from shining clearly. That's all. A Shadow is your way of knowing that you have a present, a gift, very close to your imagination which the deeper part of you wants you to unwrap.

He asked me last night, how do you think I am doing?

DEEPLY AWAKE – HALF A YEAR

Today is the six month anniversary of my conversion, sitting on a stool in Blackhawk, Colorado, playing penny slots, talking to what I understood were my guides and angels.

Six months have elapsed, and I am sitting within this awareness, feeling stunned, feeling eternally grateful, feeling a little sheepish and sweet toward my questioning, hungry soul.

I am about to dive into reading these deeply awake posts one by one, line by line, scanning not only for typographical but logical errors. I am excited to do it, but also in a weird sort of reverence. My impressions today are based not after this full immersion, but before. I look forward to studying the contrasts of these two states.

I wanted to clarify what I mean when I say, “When I woke up in January,” which was to have been the sentence you just read instead. “When I woke up....” It seems like a definitive descriptor of a state of consciousness. And I will let it stand as such. There are moments, for me, some moments are ever clear, never altered, monuments, some sort of plasmic megalith, and I can turn my heart to big days gone by and there, standing high and mighty in a field of ordinary days are these moments, markers which assist me to capture, not just remember, an internal event, an awakening, a realization, a total surrender.

DEEPLY AWAKE - PROBLEMS SOLVED

I just want to write a post script.

It's funny how simple it all gets, and what devices can be used to help the pieces curve, slide, and lock into place.

Last night, it was cigarette tubes.

I like to roll my own smokes. I know there are plenty of people who call themselves lightworkers who have great judgments against smoking and smokers. This fascinates me, and, when in a park, happily smoking on my patch of grass, it always amuses me when someone walks by and makes sure they time their puny but powerful cough to coincide with marching, nearly imperceptibly seething, right past me.

Oh, how fragile you are, I think to myself. Oh, how certain you are of your beliefs, so certain, in fact, that you impinge upon my very behavior. Ooh, ok, I guess this means, this round, you win. Hope to do this again with you, when you feel it unnecessary to judge me. Keep coughing. There you go. Buh-Bye.