KIRTAN

Last night, I was canceled from my shift. I remembered seeing an email about Kirtan, an ancient chanting ceremony that my church holds monthly. I'd always been interested, but Friday nights off are hard to come by. I got showered and traveled to the same neighborhood as the hospital, at the same time I would normally be going to work. It was nice to know that I was so protected and guided.

I never fret when I am canceled, because I see this as my guides enforcing other kind of activity. I have had some amazing experiences on my canceled nights off, and this night was no exception.

The sanctuary was gently lighted with white Christmas lights and many votive candles, much flickering, and such a delicate beauty was struck in the room. There was an altar, and the stage was beautifully and lushly appointed with Hindu posters and Indian cloths. I could sense this was going to be an important night for communication.

I began to meditate, shoes off, no rubber insulating my generation of energy... I purposefully sat under a light. When I would look up it felt like Them, like when They've visited me in the past.

I got the message, loud and clear and CLOSE, “we are RIGHT here”

Oh, the torturous and complex few days I have had. Dealing with the issues of judgement, stretching to give myself permission to HAVE opinions, but then immediately I would pull away. I never feel completely justified in not liking someone. It makes me sweat. But some people are so unlikeable.

Let me explain.

Two nights ago I worked with someone who acted really weird. I could feel him very loudly. He is plain and unassuming, but his energy fairly hollers at me. Even so, this man refused to give me eye contact, refused to greet me, talked to me, briefly, three times in twelve hours, and was as uncivil with our psychiatric patients as he was with me. He was eerily animated with a few of the staff. Because he was such a sour puss, I was glad to see him getting along with somebody, anybody. However, then something weird began to take place.

By the way, my other colleague was also as as cold as ice. Not mean, not hostile. Pleasant, actually. But cold. Guarded. Shut tighter than a drum. I read a lot that night.

It was the man's behavior that really got my goat. As the shift progressed, I got more and more chapped that here is this guy who can be decent to other people, but he treats me, and the patients (!) like crap. Good God, did the judgements start flying. And the more judgement I indulged in, the farther and farther off course I began to feel.

That's when the questions came up:
How can I reconcile hating someone with having to love them? How do I deal with someone who literally acts as if I am not there? Is this disdain? Contempt? Resignation? Prejudice? How will it be possible to ascend as a planet, as a people, when people suffering to this degree, acting out badly and hurting others in the process... how are we going to even pull this thing off? Everything could be solved with kindness. No it can't! Yes it can!