DEEPLY AWAKE – HALF A YEAR

Today is the six month anniversary of my conversion, sitting on a stool in Blackhawk, Colorado, playing penny slots, talking to what I understood were my guides and angels.

Six months have elapsed, and I am sitting within this awareness, feeling stunned, feeling eternally grateful, feeling a little sheepish and sweet toward my questioning, hungry soul.

I am about to dive into reading these deeply awake posts one by one, line by line, scanning not only for typographical but logical errors. I am excited to do it, but also in a weird sort of reverence. My impressions today are based not after this full immersion, but before. I look forward to studying the contrasts of these two states.

I wanted to clarify what I mean when I say, “When I woke up in January,” which was to have been the sentence you just read instead. “When I woke up....” It seems like a definitive descriptor of a state of consciousness. And I will let it stand as such. There are moments, for me, some moments are ever clear, never altered, monuments, some sort of plasmic megalith, and I can turn my heart to big days gone by and there, standing high and mighty in a field of ordinary days are these moments, markers which assist me to capture, not just remember, an internal event, an awakening, a realization, a total surrender.

DEEPLY AWAKE – THANKSGIVING PRAYER

(I'm reading this to my family on Thanksgiving)

For my loved ones on Thanksgiving.

I feel deeply grateful today, and really, everyday, but I am glad that we have decided that there can at least be one day a year set aside for remembering goodness, remembering our gifts, remembering, even, that we might have a hand in all this magic.

I hold nothing but love for the people at this table. The stories which we have always referred to each other in, we the star, the other as hero or villain, or both, or neither, these stories have changed in rhythm and depth for me lately. The childhood I once recovered is not the one I now carry in my heart. In this heart, I know of some struggle and trouble, sure, but all of that has faded into a gentle hum that vary rarely disturbs me anymore.

I know you now, my family here while we shelter awhile on Earth, you I see as great energetic giants.

I have come to know myself as a bigger light than I guessed, and yet, I am small, though magnificent, when shown in company. We all, each of us, are brilliant diamonds, and I could not have chosen a better group of people to push against for these at times ungodly 51 years.

DEEPLY AWAKE – FROM HERE

So much has changed in so little “time” for me, that I find it impossible to parse the experiences as I used to. I had been taking energetic snapshots from times of great clarity, mined from depths, to be sure, that many prefer to avoid, and many more wish to remain unspoken, the voyages to the darkness, the shadows, fears and doubts aplenty, these are places we do not, usually, allow ourselves admit to others, and sometimes, we refuse to admit these things to ourselves, these big bug-a-boos, these big blots we think we have on our souls or on our characters, til finally, one day, it's just all too much, and seems to make perfect sense to maybe cut yourself some slack, start appreciating yourself just a little bit, maybe try exploring your own story just a little bit further.

And so it begins.

And there I went. Actually, it's where I dwelled, purposefully and stubbornly, probably far longer than was entirely necessary, but this staying with the dark, with the one pole of limitation and disbelief and fear, I did finally GET the lessons, and they will not scatter.

I have spent the last few days in a haze of goodwill, of recognition.